Captain’s log, stardate whatever. Admiral Freeman got her promotion and now I’m stuck with her brat, Beckett Mariner, thinking she still runs the Cerritos like a personal playground. The whole lower decks is a mess, ensigns rolling their eyes at anyone with a pip on their collar. Something about the way she smirks when I give an order, like she’s already picturing me face down in a warp core breach. So I opened the captain’s private files and found… options. Let’s just say the prime directive got a little flexible.

The art’s got that AI CG sheen, kinda like scrolling through a very specific rule34 board at 2x speed, but the animations hit this uncanny jitter that somehow makes the ahegao faces funnier. There’s a scene where you’re supposed to be asserting dominance in the ready room and her eyes go full spiral while she’s mid rant about Starfleet protocol. I laughed, then felt weird about laughing, then kept clicking. The futa tag sneaks up on you. One minute you’re using the captain’s log to document insubordination, next minute Mariner’s got a surprise that would make a Klingon blush and you’re the one getting a “performance review.” The lactation stuff is there too, which feels like someone modded a dairy farm sim into a Trek parody and honestly, I’m not mad at the chaos.

The blackmail mechanic is basically a flowchart of humiliation. Catch an ensign slacking, threaten to tell the admiral, and suddenly you’re in a holodeck program that would get the ship’s counselor court martialed. The male protagonist corruption path is where it gets properly unhinged. You start off trying to restore order, but by the third “disciplinary hearing” you’re orchestrating bukkake scenes in the shuttle bay like it’s a team building exercise. The gay content isn’t walled off either, it just blends into the general collapse of decency. There’s a bit where you’re supposed to be interrogating a “trap” character and the dialogue tree just gives up on pretense entirely. I still don’t know what the actual plot was. Something about a warp core? Who cares, I’m too busy watching the captain’s chair get reupholstered with fluids. The oral sex animations loop weirdly, like a GIF from 2007, but that almost adds to the lo-fi charm. Like a chill beats stream where the beat is just wet sounds and muffled Star Trek technobabble. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

The whole thing is like five minutes long, maybe less if you know what you're doing. RPGMaker MV, that engine everyone and their mother used for weird little projects back in the day. This one drops you on a starship, very obviously not-Star Trek, and the computer voice tells you to go fuck the hologram. Not subtle. "Computer, disable hologram anti-bullying protocols" is the actual command. I laughed.

The hologram is Leah Brahms. If you know, you know. That one episode where Geordi gets weird with a simulation of a real scientist and then she finds out and it's incredibly awkward. This game just takes that concept and strips away all the pretense. No engineering problems to solve, no moral dilemma. Just a couple of rooms, a very basic sprite, and a single objective. The dialogue is stilted in that charming RPGMaker way where you can tell someone was clicking through event triggers and typing with one hand. The sex scene is... functional. A text box describing the act with some canned sound effects. It's not trying to be a triple-A porn experience, it's a shitpost you can click through.

I do wish there was more to it. Like, the anti-bullying protocols line implies a whole comedic angle that never really pays off. You just say it and then the hologram is available. No resistance, no funny error messages, no "computer, belay that order" fakeout. Missed opportunity. The creator says there might be more in the future and honestly I'd play a longer version of this. Maybe add the actual Leah Brahms walking in on you. That's the whole point of the episode, the cringe. Right now it's just a quick wank with a reference attached. Which, fine, that's what most of these adult flash games were anyway. I've spent longer looking for my keys than playing this. The art is basic RTP stuff, nothing custom, but the sheer audacity of the premise carries it. If you've ever wanted to correct the historical injustice of Geordi not getting to smash, here you go. Just don't expect a full game.

Captain Kurt getting a high pressure enema while a gay Spock watches from the corner, that's the level we're operating at here. This Star Trek parody flash thing, I don't even know what to call it, a fever dream maybe. The art is deliberately shit, like someone drew it with their non-dominant hand while drunk, and honestly that makes the whole thing funnier. Six of Nine, our blonde protagonist with the obvious name, walks around this ship and every single encounter is some new form of unhinged depravity.

The Kingon blowjob scene caught me off guard because the alien's dick is just... a weirdly textured tube. And then there's the "space pussy box" which I won't even try to explain. The Whora character, a black woman who's clearly a play on Troi, has this lesbian scene with Six of Nine that's actually the most competently animated part of the whole mess. Which isn't saying much. The homo deck with Spook, yes they named him Spook, involves a rear rammer machine and the sound effects are just someone making "whirr" noises into a microphone I swear to god.

The dialogue choices are meaningless, every path leads to something absurd, and the whole thing feels like it was coded in a weekend by someone who really hates Rick Berman specifically. There's a doctor scene that's surprisingly vanilla compared to everything else, just regular sex, which almost feels out of place next to the enema fetish content. The game is aggressively not for homophobes, it wears that on its sleeve, and honestly the Spook stuff is so over the top it circles back to being hilarious. I wish the Kingon had more scenes, the one you get is too short and then it's back to whatever the hell else is happening. The whole thing crashes sometimes if you click too fast, but that feels intentional somehow, like the game itself is embarrassed.