Sometimes it can be far tougher to stay under the radar at senior high school than sneaking into a secret facility. Blending in with the crowd might actually be harder than infiltrating a global criminal syndicate. Imagine how difficult it is to walk down the hall wearing last season’s skirt while everyone’s eyes are on you, compared to studying a group of muscle-bound gangsters in a tight bodysuit.

But that’s exactly what your girls from "Absolutely Spies" do all the time - whatever’s hard, they turn into a walk in the park! These girls don’t just blend in; they own every room, every hallway, every dangerous scenario. They’re not just spies - they’re masters of disguise, deception, and daring moves that leave everyone else breathless.

In this game, you step into their shoes, navigating the treacherous world of high school espionage where every glance could expose you and every wrong move could blow your cover. You’ll have to choose your outfits carefully because blending in isn’t just about looking the part - it’s about surviving the social minefield without raising suspicion. From dodging nosy teachers to outsmarting rival spies and even dealing with unexpected crushes, the pressure is relentless.

You’ll sneak through crowded hallways, eavesdrop on secret conversations, and gather intel that could topple criminal empires - all while keeping your identity hidden. The tension is electric, and every decision counts. Do you risk drawing attention with a bold move, or play it safe and wait for the perfect moment? The choice is yours, and the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Get ready to dive deep into a world where teenage drama meets high-stakes espionage. Your mission: survive the chaos of high school, outwit dangerous enemies, and prove that nothing is too tough when you’ve got the skills of an Absolute Spy. Are you ready to take on the challenge and become the ultimate undercover agent? Step in, gear up, and show them what real stealth looks like.

First thing, this game feels like someone mashed together Pornhub search history and a political sim in Nutaku on a cracked tablet, and somehow it works way better than it should. You’re not the president, you’re the creep in the shadows tugging the strings while this poor bastard in the White House is basically your remote-controlled sex dispenser. One moment you’re forcing him to sign some “anti-drug” bill so your company can sell even stronger shit under the table, next moment you’re sending him to a “private negotiation” where he has to suck up to a foreign leader’s “secretary” who looks suspiciously like Tifa Lockhart with a bigger ass and that lazy ahegao smirk. There’s this scene where you blackmail him using a video where he gets milked by a domme that looks like a mix of Lady Dimitrescu and Lara Croft, towering over him in heels, slapping his face while he whimpers, and the game is like “approval rating down 5%” and I actually laughed because yeah, sounds American enough.

Touch controls on phone are super scuffed but in a hot way. You’re dragging dialogue options like “humiliate the president publicly” or “sell your own daughter to a lobbyist for influence” and it’s messed up, but the UI is light enough you can play with one hand on Chrome while pretending you’re checking Telegram. The scenes themselves use those 3dcg models with a lot of jiggle and shiny skin, and the camera really likes big tits and big asses. Sometimes you’re in an office corruption scene with some cyberpunk style escort that’s obviously a D.Va cosplay girl turned prostitute, sometimes it jumps hard into bestiality or tentacle stuff with no warning, like you’re in a normal blackmail route and suddenly the “experimental biotech partner” is tentacles teaching the president what “real diplomacy” is. My brain went wait, what, but my other brain already accepted it. There’s a really nasty incest subplot too, where you can push your “family protection” angle into full-on corruption, trading your own sister’s ass to a senator for votes, with a voiced line where she sobs and still moans a bit, and that hit a particular degeneracy button that Harem Hotel style games love. One thing that annoyed me: the game keeps teasing Judy Hopps and Cyberpunk 2077 style chrome hookers in ads inside the world, but doesn’t let you actually click into all of them yet, just little exhibitionism events where the president is forced to watch while you test new toys on some slave girl. Also they said no soundtrack, and yeah, it’s dead quiet, only voice and sex sounds, which weirdly makes the humiliation scenes feel more raw, like some leaked OnlyFans set, but my phone speaker clicking with every tap is still more immersion than I asked for.

You start as this guy who just wants to know why his family got kicked out of their hometown, and very fast it stops being some cute little mystery and turns into “ok, are you gonna save the world or fuck it up completely.” The place is full of horny mythic girls hiding in plain sight, and every time you poke your nose where you shouldn’t, you either end up in a moral dilemma or with your dick in someone’s mouth. Often both. One moment you’re talking about politics between humans and monster folk, next moment a busty minotaur milf is on her knees, drooling on your cock like it’s holy relic. The game doesn’t even pretend you’re a pure hero. You can play the sweet romantic idiot who blushes at his first handjob, or go full mind control bastard who turns “enemies” into obedient slaves that milk themselves on command. The fantasy village, the temples, the back alleys where prostitution basically lives, the weird cult altars where religion and corruption mix together, it all feels just a bit too eager to get your pants off. You wander around in this sandbox, taking quests, seducing twins, blackmailing a virgin priestess, spying on monster girls masturbating behind thin paper walls, then deciding if you want to be the caring boyfriend type or the guy who bends them over an altar and creampies them while they do that stupid ahegao face. And yeah, the ahegao is everywhere. The dev really loves that.

What’s nice is how often the game throws small lewd situations at you for just messing around. Open the wrong door and you catch a shy elf girl in cosplay, half naked, rubbing herself on a pillow and moaning your name she “totally doesn’t think about.” Or you get dragged to some dungeon by a fanatical nun who wants to punish you for “sin,” and that turns into a BDSM scene with spanking, ropes, and her begging you to fill her because “god is watching.” There are animated bits where asses jiggle when you go anal, tits bounce when you go rough, milk leaks when you play with the lactation stuff, all that good, fucked up detail the internet already ruined us with. The harem side kinda sneaks up on you too: one day you just realize you have a demon girl, a monster milf, some jealous human girl you’re cheating on, and a pair of twin sisters all fighting for who gets your cock first. You swear you’re gonna play “good route” and be loyal, then the game drops a voyeur scene where you catch two girls going lesbian with each other, and your only real choice is “watch and jerk” or “join and ruin everything.” And yeah, there is mind control, and it can get dark. Turning someone from righteous paladin into a corruption toy that begs for anal in public while you order her to show off her dripping pussy, that stuff hits different, in a fucked up way. The mobile version makes it even worse, because now you’re commanding your monster girl slaves from the bus or toilet like some fantasy pimp with a pocket harem, and it feels wrong and also very, very right.

First thing that hit me with this game: it feels like someone mashed together horny fanfic, half-drunk meme chat, and a dirty point & click, then said “yeah, good enough” and pushed it online. You’re basically the sneaky bastard behind the Eye, still hanging around after the whole ring drama, poking at Middle Earth like it’s your personal cosplay convention. Except instead of worrying about badge lines and panel times like me, you’re planning how to get Galadriel out of her shiny white queen aura and into a collar while she calls you “master” with that proud face breaking piece by piece. The whole thing runs like one of those old Flash trainer games, with you clicking around locations, spying, blackmailing, nudging stats, and watching these famous ladies go from “who the hell are you” to “yes, I’ll strip in front of the mirror if you tell me I’m a good girl.” It’s stupid, it’s crass, and I kept playing anyway.

The art is fake-AI Middle Earth porn, which sounds awful but kind of works. You’ve got Galadriel with ridiculous tits, ass that absolutely doesn’t exist in canon, and outfits that look more like con-floor cosplay than elf royalty. Sometimes her face shifts between scenes like she got recast mid-episode, but whatever, you’re not here for consistency, you’re here to watch her bend over while you smack her ass and she pretends she still has dignity. One of my favorite messed up parts is how the game leans into voyeur stuff: tiny events where you peek on a “pure” heroine bathing, or you freeze time with some bullshit ring power and grope her while she’s “asleep”, then later she wonders why she’s suddenly wet just from your voice. And you’re sitting there, typing emails in Gmail in one window, and in the other you’re sliding a corruption bar up while an elf queen is on her knees licking your boots, asking for more punishment because you humiliated her in front of the orcs. Completely normal lunch break behavior.

What surprised me was how much it leans into cosplay vibes. Outfits are half the fun. You don’t just get the girls naked, you put them in dumb lewd costumes that look like someone raided the “sexy LOTR” tag on TikTok: fake battle armor bikini, slutty ranger, fake maid in Rivendell for no reason at all. There’s this goofy scene where you “train” one of them to serve drinks at a tavern, and it slowly turns into you spanking her behind the counter every time she messes up, while the patrons pretend not to notice. Another time you force a proud milf character to parade around in sheer clothes in broad daylight, clicking to see her reactions while passersby stare. The writing flips between actually funny jokes about lore and pure porn dialogue like “use me, dark lord” in the same breath. Sometimes the pacing is trash and you click through the same teasing scene five times waiting for the next stage of corruption, but then you get a new animation where you’re fucking a once-untouchable heroine against a stone wall, her face ruined with mascara tears, and all that earlier annoyance just kind of… vanishes. It’s messy, shameless, and absolutely not something I want on my browser history at work, which is exactly why I keep re-opening it in incognito and telling myself it’s “for research.”