Vault Wanderer is one of those horny little parody projects that feels like it started as a shitpost between friends on Discord and somehow became an actual game. You play this guy who crawls out of a comfy underground vault into a wasteland that is less about radiation and more about who is fucking who, and with what. The whole thing mixes classic turn based RPG combat with stupid jokes and very explicit scenes that just kind of slam into you out of nowhere. One second you are clicking through some goofy dialogue about bottle caps, the next you are watching a futa raider get her dick sucked in a surprisingly long animated loop while your character pretends he is not into it. The game loves voyeurism like crazy. Almost every location has some “oops I walked in on them” moment, except it is never really an accident and everybody is cool with you standing in the corner jerking off. Or pretending to “research.” The writing knows exactly what it is doing: it makes fun of the wasteland clichés, then uses the same clichés to justify a harem route where every big tits, big ass, wrong-race-for-this-town waifu somehow ends up in your camp.

What surprised me most is how messy but confident the sandbox structure is. You are just dropped on the surface with this point and click map and told to explore, and the game absolutely does not care if you go straight to a lesbian futa bar and stall your “main quest” for two hours doing nothing except footjobs and blowjobs in different outfits. There is real RPG stuff happening in the background: stats, turn based fights, random encounters that sometimes end in actual combat and sometimes turn straight into oral sex scenes if you pick the horny dialogue option. I lost one fight because I was too distracted watching the enemy’s boobs bounce in the attack animation, which is a stupid reason to reload, but here we are. The art is simple 2D CG but the animations have just enough motion to make the scenes feel alive without turning into weird rubber people. Some of the interracial setups are actually hot, then the game drops a joke so bad it short circuits the mood and you kind of hate it for ten seconds, until the next harem scene where three girls are roleplaying “capturing” you and you forget you were mad. The mobile support is oddly good too; I tried it on my phone while half-slouching on the couch with Chrome open and it ran smoother than some serious games on Steam. Sometimes the text spacing gets fucked on smaller screens and nobody bothered to fix it, which annoyed me for like a full minute while I was trying to read a masturbation scene and the last line wrapped in a stupid way, and then I clicked next and forgot. That is basically the whole vibe here: horny, rough around edges, a little broken, but when the wasteland mommy with huge boobs kneels down for oral and the camera zooms in just right, your brain stops caring about polish completely.

Reborn in this world, you don’t start as some overpowered hentai demigod. You start small, weak, awkward, staring at stat screens like a horny nerd who suddenly woke up inside the fantasy game he used to jerk off to. It feels weirdly familiar, all those windows and numbers and skills, like someone mashed together an isekai anime, Pornhub tags, and a DnD character sheet, then said “yeah, now suffer for it.” The beginning actually made me laugh, in that “oh shit, that would be me” way, watching this guy (or futa, if you go that road) try to figure out how to use magic and how not to die on the first dungeon floor while getting distracted by every pair of tits in a ten-meter radius.

The mood swings a lot. One moment you’re counting turns in combat, trying to squeeze out that last spell with barely any mana, the next you’re getting pinned against a wall by some smug monster girl with too many curves and way too much confidence. The harem thing doesn’t just fall in your lap, you kind of earn it through quests, choices, and that slightly evil curiosity that makes you pick the option you probably shouldn’t. There is this early dungeon where you walk in thinking “ok, grind a bit, gain some XP” and end up bargaining with a horny plant girl that really, really wants to see what you can do from behind. Strategy suddenly becomes “how many skills can I use before I’m literally drained in every sense.” And I liked that the futa angle is there like a temptation, not shoved down your throat unless you ask for it. You can stay vanilla cock, or you can wake up with something extra between your legs and a whole new way to ruin NPCs. Choice hits different when it’s about what kind of dick you swing.

What surprised me most is how often I forgot I was playing a porn game and not some half-janky, half-charming RPG on itch.io. The humor lands more often than it should, with those little comments about EXP farming, hentai logic, and how nobody in fantasy worlds knows what a condom is. Sometimes the text rambles, sometimes the pacing trips, like the dev got lost in their own horny brain and just went “fuck it, more dialogue, more teasing,” and I kinda love that. There is one scene in particular, in a deeper dungeon level, where you’re low on health, you win a fight by like one lucky hit, and instead of a normal reward you get this cocky demon girl asking if the hero who nearly died wants to “use her body as a potion.” It’s porn logic, but the teasing before the actual sex is long enough you start clicking faster, half annoyed, half turned on, like a degenerate trying to skip ads on xHamster. The AI CG sometimes looks a bit off, a hand here, a weird strand of hair there, and it annoyed me way more than it should. I stared at that one broken finger in a blowjob scene far too long, and it lives in my head rent free now. Still, the mix of turn based combat, dumb jokes, fantasy races throwing themselves at you, anal and vaginal scenes popping up like loot drops, and that feeling of slowly building a harem through stats and bad decisions... I’d honestly give it “Best Use of Bad Life Choices in a Fantasy Harem” and not even say it as a joke. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

Thanksgiving in this game feels like somebody spiked the gravy with lust potion and forgot to tell the hostess. You’re dropped in as this cocky asshole of an adventurer who’s supposed to help with a “magical feast,” but honestly you spend more time buried between thighs than near an oven. One moment you’re picking herbs in a sparkly forest, next moment a fairy with tits bigger than her head is straddling your face, teasing you with her wings and rubbing against your nose while she pretends you’re “just helping with pollen.” Yeah, sure. The point and click stuff is actually kinda nice on mobile, just tapping around, poking things, accidentally triggering voyeur scenes because you clicked the wrong bush and now you’re spying on a milf witch masturbating with a glowing wand that hums louder the closer she gets. She keeps moaning about needing “ingredients” while she’s grinding that wand over her clit, and your dude just hides like some pervy little goblin, rock hard, not even pretending he’s there for noble reasons.

The crazy part is how they mix silly humor with really filthy content. You’re chatting with a demon girl about stuffing turkeys, and two clicks later she’s talking about stuffing your ass instead, then shoving you onto a stone table and riding you like she’s trying to break your spine. She has these slight monster girl vibes, horns and tail, curling that tail around your throat while she bounces on your cock, big ass slapping against your hips. She calls it “ritual bonding,” but it’s just her making you cum three times while you beg her to slow down. Sometimes the sandbox exploration feels a little too open and I got lost in some enchanted village, wandering around tapping random doors until I ended up peeking through a window and seeing an aunt-like milf bent over the table, giant tits hanging, getting throat-fucked by some faceless spirit. You can choose to walk away, but of course I stayed, watching, hand slowly stroking under my clothes like some horny loser. I liked that the game just lets you be that creep without judging. The turn based combat is almost a joke, half the enemies are sexy ninjas or demon maids, and half of their attacks are teasing moves. One dark ninja girl pins you down as a “stun,” sits on your chest and makes you lick her through her tight outfit until your stamina drops, then you finish the fight by using some ridiculous superpower that blasts her clothes off and leaves her kneeling, panting, begging for your “mercy.” You can deny her or pull her hair and use her mouth, and the animation when she chokes on your cock, tears in her eyes, is surprisingly hot for something that also has slapstick moments with talking turkey legs. It feels like a horny fever dream cooked by a Disney fan who watched way too much hentai, and I kind of hate how much it worked on me.

Ryunosuke is that kind of uni grad who feels like he skipped the part where life gives you a main quest. No job, no passion, just this blank “ok, now what?” screen. So he screws off to this fake-Italy place, Stivale, thinking it’s going to be wine, pasta, maybe a summer fling. Instead the first real thing he runs into is a fox-eared swordswoman who looks like she walked out of some horny doujin circle: Serena. Big ass, big tits, armor that protects nothing important, voice that’s way too sweet for the shit she drags you into. She’s basically on a holy mission to punch the country’s corrupt government in the balls, and you, with your totally useless degree, end up as her “strategist” or something. In practice that means one second you’re picking dialog lines to sound cool, the next second you’re watching a monster girl pin him against a ruined fountain and grind on his thigh while he tries to pretend he’s still a virgin gentleman. It doesn’t last long. Obviously.

The funny part is how the game pretends to be a serious fantasy RPG half the time. You’ve got turn based combat with little details that actually matter, like whether you blow your mana on a fire spell or save it because you just know the next fight is going to be some corrupted priestess who spends the first two turns teasing and stripping instead of attacking. Fights are basically foreplay with health bars. A lot of enemies are monster girls, some fully beastly, some just ears and tails, and they do not care about your moral purity. You mess up choices, suddenly Ryunosuke is on his back, armor pieces scattered, getting titfucked by a slime girl who reshapes her chest to wrap around him, all while she milks him so hard he ends up creampying her core. Then in another path, if you play it “heroic”, he holds out, turns the fight around, and you get this slow, romantic vaginal scene with Serena later, where she tries to stay in control and then completely loses it the moment he starts actually moving his hips. The game loves that shift from “I’m teasing you” to “ok fuck me properly right now” and it uses it everywhere: oral scenes where he’s awkwardly licking at first, then she’s grabbing his hair and groping her own tits, begging; anal sex that starts with her acting like it’s just some kinky experiment and ends with her panting like a beast as she leaks and shakes. Sometimes there’s groping in public, under a tavern table, sometimes it’s full group sex in a camp after a hard quest, with everyone swapping positions and someone getting a messy creampie while another girl is busy with masturbation in the corner. There’s cheating too, not spelled out like a moral lesson, just choices where you go “ok, I really shouldn’t” and then do it anyway, and the game quietly remembers for later endings. Some routes end with pregnancy, some with you basically a horny legend surrounded by monster wives, some not so nice. The peeing stuff and the light bdsm show up more as flavor than core, like a fox girl sitting on your face and letting go a bit while she rides, or Serena tying your hands before oral and then totally forgetting you’re supposed to be the one in control. Voice acting is all over the place, in a good way: sometimes cute, sometimes way too raw, those little gasps when the tip slips from pussy to ass by accident and she half-squeals, half-laughs. To get the best out of it, don’t rush scenes, let the teasing play out, actually lose a couple battles on purpose, and when a choice looks like it might ruin the “wholesome” romance, click it anyway and see how much of a mess Stivale can turn into.