Everyone in this world already knows your last name before you open your mouth, and half of them either want to fuck you, own you, or quietly make you disappear. You walk into these marble halls full of immortal snobs who never die, never age, and never get tired of playing with people like toys. They smile like royalty and talk like lawyers, but the second the doors close they are on their knees, or putting someone else there. The game throws you straight into that mess with almost no hand holding: one moment you are the pretty little heir who should “behave”, next moment some ancient matriarch is pressing you against a balcony rail, whispering how she remembers fucking your grandfather in the same place and wants to see if the bloodline stayed hard where it matters.

The teasing here is not fake “oh no, my towel fell” kind of bullshit. It drags. A twin sister brushes your arm, the brother leans on your other side, both of them talking about family loyalty while their hands are getting way too friendly with your belt. You keep waiting for the fade to black, but it doesn’t. You choose who to pull closer, and the other one just watches, breathing hard, promising you they will get their turn. There is this scene in a greenhouse where one of the slaves is kneeling in front of you, eyes empty and calm like they accepted they belong to your bloodline, while another noble is behind them, guiding your hips, telling you how to use what is yours. It is fucked up and hot at the same time, which I kinda hate admitting. Sometimes you feel powerful, like real male domination, hand in their hair, making them take every inch. Sometimes you realize they still outrank you and you are the one pinned down, with a sharp smile above you and nails in your chest, and you like it anyway. Animated thrusts, actual movement, bodies grinding instead of just posing, helps a lot. The sex can switch fast from slow, almost romantic kissing to messy group pile where you literally don’t remember who started touching you first. There is one late scene where you are supposed to be handling some “serious political talk” in a private lounge and it ends with you balls deep in one twin while the other rides your face, and an immortal aunt sitting in the armchair drinking wine, judging your technique.

I really enjoy how the romance is a trap here. People act soft with you, say they care, but then use you like a bargaining chip in the next council. You might swear loyalty to one dynasty because you fell for their pretty slave girl with the quiet voice, then find out she was trained from birth to make heirs like you obey. But she still squeezes your hand when you fuck her in the bath, so is it fake or not? I got genuinely thrown off by one twist where a character who always submits to you suddenly orders you to kneel. I thought it was just dirty talk, then the scene locks you into that position and you realize that choice from way earlier basically sold your pride to them. I kinda loved that. Also, small thing, but every time the game waits that extra second before somebody finally slides down on your cock, it drives me crazy. In a good way. Or bad way. Depends on the day. Anyway, this whole immortal bloodline circus feels like a place where romance is just another collar, and you are too horny to stop putting it on.

Storm, wet wood, that weird mix of salt and fear in your throat, and right in the middle of that you’ve got her: this perfect elven wife who still somehow looks holy even with her robes clinging to her curves. The game throws you onto this nameless island like the ocean just spat you out, and suddenly your “happily ever after” feels like a joke with bad timing. It’s not a complicated setup, actually kind of simple, which makes it worse. You, the loyal husband, still trying to act like a hero. Her, the devout priestess who actually believes all that purity talk. And then that guy, Borwin, this sweaty, wheezing sailor with piggy eyes who starts looking at her like she’s the last piece of meat in the world. The whole thing is a slow punch in the gut, because nothing explodes, nobody just jumps into fucking right away. It just stretches. Long glances. His “accidental” touches. Her nervous smile that hangs a little too long. And you get stuck watching, almost tasting that ugly mix of jealousy and arousal in your own mouth, like cheap rum you didn’t mean to drink.

What hit me hardest is how the game doesn’t rush the dirty stuff. First it plays with your brain. They’re sitting close to the fire, he laughs too loud, his hand lands on her thigh, and she doesn’t slap it away. Not right away. You feel that little sting in your chest, like, “hey, that’s my wife,” but you also stare at the screen longer than you should. When he ogles her tits through soaked fabric, it’s not subtle, and she notices, but instead of screaming she blushes and fidgets and pretends she didn’t see. It’s messed up, watching her slowly slide from “holy and untouchable” to “kind of flattered that this filthy bastard wants her so bad.” The corruption is mostly in her expressions, tiny shifts. Mouth a bit more parted when he leans close. Eyes not quite meeting yours. Then the touches change. His hand on her ass when he helps her “climb over a rock.” His fingers brushing along the inside of her thigh while he plays it off like he’s checking a wound. There’s a scene where she’s kneeling in front of him, supposedly “tending an injury,” and the camera knows exactly what your brain is doing. Her face is too close to his crotch, her lips too wet, and for a second the game just lets you sit there wondering if she’s going to use her mouth on him or if you’re just filthy for even thinking it.

At some point the line breaks and you don’t even remember exactly where. One night the priestess who swore her body belongs to the gods is on her back, robe pushed up, legs spread, and the guy filling her is not you. She moans in a way you’ve never heard from her scenes with you, louder, less controlled, like her body finally stopped pretending. Her tits bounce when he pounds into her, her ass lifts up to meet him, and you feel this horrible heat in your gut because the animation really leans into how much she’s getting into it. She grabs his arm, begs him not to stop, and the worst part is how her words sound half like prayer, half like porn. There’s this nasty little bit where he gropes her under the pretense of “warming her up” after a cold night, his thick fingers pushing under her clothes, and she’s shivering but not from the cold anymore. She bites her lip, tries to mumble something about “marriage vows,” but she’s grinding against his hand while she says it. Oral, handjob, full-on fucking, it all comes, just not in the order your pride would like. The game never lets you escape that tight, ugly feeling of watching your “treasure” get taken, then watching her start to want it more than anything you ever gave her. And you know what makes it even dirtier? There’s no choice to fix it, no magic button to “save” her. You’re just there, stuck in your own skin, watching this elf with a big perfect ass and soft bouncing tits get slowly rewritten by a disgusting sailor, and somewhere in the middle of her crying and moaning you realize you’re stroking yourself and hating yourself at the same time.

The main guy in Hot Property looks like the sort of dude who keeps breaking stuff in his own house and then somehow gets rewarded with more tits. That is kind of the whole vibe. It starts out feeling like a silly porn setup you see on TikTok edits, this unlucky guy suddenly getting a shot at some ridiculous situation, and then it keeps leaning into the chaos instead of pretending to be “serious storytelling”. One moment he is trying to act cool and professional, the next he is face first between a huge ass and completely losing control while two girls laugh at him. It feels half erotic, half “how is this idiot still alive”, and that actually works. The game knows it is horny trash and just runs with it. Sometimes it even trips on its own jokes, but it keeps going, like a drunk dude speedrunning Pornhub categories.

When the scenes really start, they do not waste time. You get long, slow teasing with hands sliding over those big curves, close shots of lips brushing skin, the kind of stuff that makes you want to pause and just stare. Then the rhythm jumps, suddenly one girl is on her knees, stroking him while the other leans in and kisses him, and you see the whole thing animated with nice weight to the bodies. It is not “perfect” animation, you will notice little stiffness here and there, sometimes hair moves weird or the loop is a bit too clean, but there is a lot of personality inside the cuts. Breasts bounce heavy when he grabs them, asses jiggle when they ride him, tongues slip in and out during oral, and the camera gets really shameless with low angles. There is one group scene where he is getting his cock sucked while another girl sits on his face and a third one just watches, stroking herself, and the game holds the shot on his overwhelmed expression long enough that you actually feel the comedy and the lust mix together. It almost feels illegal to laugh while you are this turned on. The lesbian bits are surprisingly sweet and filthy at the same time, with the girls teasing each other first, sharing a slow kiss, then going straight to fingers and wet thighs while he just stands there like a background prop until they decide to drag him back in. I do not like the tiny font for the dialogue boxes though, it looks like it came from some random early mobile VN and nobody fixed it. Also I opened Discord once during a loading and when I came back the music glitched for a second, like an old Flash game, which annoyed me more than it should.

The humor actually lands more often than not. Jokes about his bad luck, little sarcastic comments from the girls, weird surreal moments that almost feel like a meme edit placed in the middle of a hentai scene, like “how is this my life” energy. At the same time, the story never pretends to be deep, it just uses the plot as excuse to throw him into more trouble and more naked skin. The big tits are front and center, literally, and the game loves pushing them in the frame, having them pressed together during handjobs, smearing spit and precum on them while he tries to keep a straight face. Vaginal scenes are firm and detailed, you can see bodies grinding, hips slamming, the kind of thrusting that makes you hear the slap in your head even if the volume is low. There is this one oral scene that is honestly better than some full sex moments, the way her cheeks hollow when she goes down on him, then pulls back with a thin line of saliva, smiling like she knows exactly what she is doing to both him and you. It is horny, messy, not very realistic, and strangely charming. Or maybe it is not charming at all and I am just too weak for a dumb protagonist surrounded by horny women who keep calling him out and still ride his dick like it is their job. Hard to tell.

I didn’t expect to laugh this much during what’s basically a porn game about rebuilding civilization with your dick, but here we are. “Dickcare” doesn’t even pretend to have subtlety, which somehow makes it better. It’s like the dev looked at every crossover hentai fantasy - Velma squinting behind foggy glasses, Raven pretending she’s not into it, Tatsumaki rolling her eyes while secretly moaning - and said, yeah, let’s just throw them all in one ruined world and call it salvation. The writing’s half self-aware and half deranged sincerity; the voice lines swing between awkwardly horny and genuinely funny. There’s one scene with Frankie in a busted gym locker room that made me pause, not because it was hot (though it is), but because she calls you “hero” in this weird soft tone right before things get messy. It stays in your head longer than expected.

What’s wild is how much *sound* adds to everything. You can tell someone cared about the way a zipper slides down or the slap echoing off concrete walls. The sandbox part? Looser than it sounds. You wander, talk, get distracted by some zombie side plot that doesn’t matter, and suddenly Velma’s stuck halfway through a ventilation shaft. It’s ridiculous, yeah, but also... kind of perfect. There’s no grind, no fake moral choice. Just dirty, absurd freedom. Though, I swear one moaning loop cuts off too early - it’s such a small glitch but now I obsess over it. Maybe that’s the point: perfection would ruin the charm.

It’s funny how a game full of cum jokes and cartoon parodies ends up feeling more alive than most serious stuff. Maybe because it doesn’t care if you take it seriously. One minute you’re saving humanity, next you’re wiping something off Raven’s cape while she pretends not to blush. If there were awards for “Most Unnecessarily Emotional Cum Scene,” this one wins without competition.