Oh god, this game. Personal Trainer. Where do I even. The premise is so stupid it wraps back around to genius. You catch your fiancee getting railed, lose your job, move in with your hot cousin Sophie, and then decide the best life strategy is to pretend you're gay so you can infiltrate a women's only gym. The mental gymnastics required here could win Olympic gold.

The art is that specific flavor of CG hentai where everyone's skin glows like they've been marinated in baby oil. Sophie's introduction scene had me cackling. She's just there, being supportive, and the dialogue options are basically "be sad" or "stare at her tits." I chose tits. The game rewarded me with a shower scene that defies all known laws of water physics. The gym instructor character, forgot her name already, has these yoga pants painted on so tight you can probably see what she had for breakfast. There's a moment during a stretching sequence where the camera just... lingers. For like, an uncomfortable amount of time. I started wondering if my own flexibility was being judged.

The cheating tag makes sense given the opening, but honestly the whole thing feels like a fever dream written by someone who's never been to a real gym. Nobody questions the new guy who suddenly appears and claims to be gay while sweating through his shorts during squats. The women just accept it. They're all sporty girls with abs you could grate cheese on, and they're inexplicably into this unemployed disaster of a man. There's a scene with a yoga ball that I'm pretty sure violates several laws of physics and possibly the Geneva Convention. The dialogue reads like it was translated through three different languages and then back to English by someone who learned it exclusively from porn titles. "Your muscles are so big, I want to feel them inside my workout routine." What does that even mean? I don't know. The game doesn't care. I don't care. We're all just here for the ride.