Con-Quest is one of those horny little browser things that looks kind of silly at first, then three minutes later you’re way too invested in whether some half-naked Pikachu cosplayer is going to stomp you or blow you a kiss. It plays like an RPG that forgot to be serious, which is good, but if you care about accessibility like I do, it also kinda forgot blind and low-vision players exist. The whole game is just walls of small bright text on bright backgrounds, no text size slider, no contrast options, no colorblind presets, nothing. I tried zooming in with Chrome and Firefox, had to keep dragging the screen around like some weird porn spreadsheet. And yeah, I know, you came here to jerk off, not to read a UI audit, but still. When Vanilla storms around the convention hunting the money thief, you get these fun, snappy lines, but if you have any reading difficulty or ADHD it turns into “click, click, where was I again.” They sped up the text speed which sounds good, until your eyes are slower than the horny dialogue and you’re chasing every line like it is Snapchat. At least the animated portraits are nice and expressive, Ivy’s smug grin is perfect when she’s basically edging you with teasing comments, but they don’t help when you can’t tell which character is speaking because the name text is tiny and there is zero voice indication.

The lewd part is funny and stupid in a good way. You’re running around this con full of cosplayers who clearly did not come for child friendly content. There’s a Meowth girl who basically flirts by bullying you, dressed in ears, tail, tight little outfit that clings like latex, and the “reward” is you humiliating her through battle and then getting this multi-stage animated scene where she goes from cocky to absolutely ruined for you. It is not subtle. Pokemon parody everywhere, bootleg mons jokes, sexy Flygon girl pinned into this “oops I fell on you” pose, Mia and Nia doing this twin act that feels like it wants to be wholesome and still ends up about you undressing them with stickers. The sticker book is basically your porn gallery, of course, but cycling characters with keyboard or screen reader? Forget it. I tried NVDA and JAWS out of habit, they both just saw a pile of unlabeled buttons and decorative images. No alt text, no focus order that makes sense, just “button, button, button” so if you play by ear it is like trying to masturbate while somebody reads you the settings menu of Microsoft Word. The new second floor is fun to explore, the whole “Vanilla might have this thief killed” plot gives her a mean streak that is kinda hot, kinda scary, but if you’re sensitive to flicker or fast motion, the quick sliding portraits in dialogue and sudden UI shifts can be a bit much and there is no toggle. Funny thing is, they clearly know how to tweak code, optimize performance, hook up animated rewards, tease you with topless alt portraits, but a simple “bigger font” button or high-contrast mode is still missing. I keep grumbling about that while also chasing every new horny cosplayer quest like a dog with a bone, which probably says more about me than about the game.

Ciri walking into your filthy half broken fortress, already annoyed and already hotter than your browser history, is honestly the perfect mood for this thing. You are not some noble mentor here, more like the horny landlord of Kaer Morhen trying to decide if you want a legendary monster hunter or a legendary cum dumpster, and the game just looks you in the eye and says: “make up your damn mind.” From the first training session it hits that weird mix of parody and actual Witcher nostalgia. One second you are telling her to focus on her stance and sword grip, next second you are noticing they put a lot of effort into her tits bouncing when she screws up the dodge. It’s that kind of energy. You click through what looks like a normal drill, she misses a move, you “punish” her, and the punishment is suddenly way less PG than you expected. In a good way. Or terrible way, depending how pure you lied to yourself you are.

What I liked is that it pretends to be about discipline and routine at the start. Basic fights, alchemy lessons, some spells. Ciri asking legit questions about potions and signs, trying to be serious, you answering like a half competent teacher who is also staring at her ass. Then the options creep in. Say the wrong “encouraging” line? Boom, now she thinks moaning gets her a reward. Make her drink a slightly “experimental” potion? There goes her self control, and suddenly practice swings become grinding on your leg while she tries to explain it is just to “feel the balance of the blade.” The game keeps tossing you choices that feel harmless at first and then five scenes later you realize you built a complete slut and it was absolutely your fault. Or you tried to be nice and strict and it still turned horny, because it is that kind of parody where the universe itself is perverted. Also, the little details are messed up in a fun way. The crack in the wall of her room that you barely notice then ends up in a scene. The empty training yard that somehow turns into the stage for a public “motivation” lesson. Even the money grind to fix bits of the fortress turns out to just unlock new ways to humiliate or empower her, depending which flavor of degenerate you picked that day. It really feels like a long, cursed Tinder date with destiny itself, where every “sure, why not” option bang you in the face three scenes later, and Ciri either stands on the ruins as a badass witcher or kneels in them with her mouth open, because of every tiny horny decision you pretended was “just to see what happens.”

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