Lara shows up here already tired of everyone’s bullshit, which is kind of perfect, because this little “adventure” doesn’t even pretend to be about archaeology. Yeah, there’s a Lost City, a big mysterious Gate, some ancient destiny that probably has a PDF somewhere, but the game basically says: forget the ruins, watch this proud, sharp, muscular woman get backed into a corner and then dragged all the way into filth. The whole thing plays out like one long, dirty negotiation where Lara starts fully in control, jaw clenched, arms crossed, ready to shoot this Guardian in the balls, and ends up letting him use every part of her because that’s suddenly the most “efficient” way to proceed. You click through her choices, but it never really feels like she’s a victim in a simple way. She argues, tries to outsmart him, pushes back with that very classic Croft arrogance, and then slowly you see her switching from disgust to this annoyed kind of arousal she does not want to admit.

What sells it is the CG focus on small shifts. At the start, her face is all tight, eyebrows pulled down, body posture screaming “fuck off” while she’s forced to kneel. The Guardian keeps pushing the terms higher: first just touching, then oral, then making her strip and pose like a cheap idol in front of the Gate she came to conquer. You get these frames where her mouth is busy on his cock but her eyes are looking up with pure hatred, and the next scene that hatred is mixed with something way softer that she would definitely shoot you for naming. The domination angle doesn’t go subtle. He pulls her hair while she’s choking on him, slaps her ass until it’s red, makes her hold humiliating positions with her legs spread while he “checks” if she is ready, like she’s another artifact to catalog. It’s rough, sometimes almost too clinical in how it shows penetration from angle to angle, close on the stretching, on her dripping, on his hands pressing into her skin hard enough you imagine bruises later.

But in between the hardcore stuff, there are these weirdly funny bits, almost by accident. Lara is trying to keep some dignity while spitting cum off her tongue and still corrects him on the name of the ruins. There’s this scene where she’s pinned against the Gate, getting absolutely pounded, and she still tries to negotiate for a better deal, like “fine, you can fuck my ass, but then you open it fully” and he just laughs and pushes deeper. The adventure vibe is there, but twisted: the Gate lights up not when she solves a puzzle, but when she gets used in just the right way, covered in his mess, panting, eyes unfocused. You click to the next screen, expecting some epic reveal, and instead the game lingers on the Guardian using her again, as if the Lost City is just an excuse for one more position. Her body becomes the key, literally, and by the time the final scenes hit, it’s hard to tell if Lara is still pretending to submit for strategy or if she’s honestly getting off on being turned into his personal treasure, fucked hard against the stone she came to explore, moaning like the gate itself is echoing her.

This thing feels like somebody took old Tomb Raider fantasies from a horny teenager’s brain, smashed them into a cheap visual novel, then just went “yeah, good enough” and hit upload. And somehow it works. You’re basically babysitting a very obviously-not-Lara explorer girl who has more tit than common sense, stumbling through some “ruins” that are really just excuses for her to end up half naked and fingering herself behind stone pillars. Plot is like: go here, poke this, puzzle maybe, oops, now she’s rubbing her swollen nipples because some trap sprayed her with weird liquid. Classic “ancient curse equals instant porn logic”.

The thing that hooked me is how the game keeps pretending it cares about adventure. You get dialogue about lost relics and secret tombs, but every choice is basically: do you make her behave like a semi-professional archaeologist, or do you send her straight into horny disaster. And yes, you always pick horny disaster, don’t lie. One second she’s talking about inscriptions, very serious, next second she’s sitting on a rock with her tits out, stroking herself hard because the “mystical energy” is making her extra sensitive. It’s stupid as hell, but in that cozy porn way where your brain shuts up and your dick just nods. There’s these CG scenes where her boobs are just… huge. Gravity stopped existing. She’s squeezed into that tight top that looks ready to explode, and when she starts masturbating you can almost feel how uncomfortable that outfit must be, riding up, skin sweaty, hairs stuck to her neck. I got stuck once clicking the same stupid stone relief three times because I thought it was a puzzle, but apparently the real solution was just “have her jerk herself off in front of it so the door opens.” Yeah, okay, sure, video game logic.

I keep telling myself I’m here for “nostalgia”, because it’s a parody and all, but then I catch how much time I spend zooming my eyes on the way her breasts press together when she leans over a relic, acting like she doesn’t notice her nipples punching holes in that top. The masturbation scenes feel almost too long, in a good way, like the dev was horny and refused to cut a single frame. She moans, slows down, speeds up, loses it completely, and I’m on the metro trying not to shift in my seat like a creep. Some of the writing is low-key terrible, like those weird lines where she’s trying to sound badass and just comes off like someone badly cosplaying in a hotel room, but then she starts touching herself again and I forget I was laughing. Sometimes the attempt at “adventure” gets in the way, like yeah man I get it, there is some lost idol, can we get back to her rubbing her pussy on a cold stone altar already. Still, there’s this one scene where she’s alone in the dark chamber, breathing heavy, fingers between her thighs, whispering to herself that no one will ever know what she’s doing down here. That shit hits different on a crowded train.

This one feels like somebody took an old-school fanfic from a shady Tomb Raider forum, smashed it together with a cheap VR porno and then just said “yeah, that’s a game now”. You’re basically parked right in Jeeves’ head, watching this cranky, horny old butler finally snap after years of picking up Lara’s muddy boots and pretending not to stare at her tits while she stretches in the hallway. He’s done bringing tea, now he brings dick. The whole setup is so wrong it circles around and becomes hot again. You see Lara still in her explorer gear, dusty thighs, guns at her sides, acting all proud and annoyed, but the camera keeps dropping low, like it’s got its own dirty mind, staying on her ass and those tight shorts that everybody remembers from the PS1 days. She’s talking down at him like always, and you can almost smell that “rich girl who never says thanks” attitude, until suddenly he corners her against some random stone pillar in the manor and the whole power balance just flips.

The first time she goes down on him is the moment the game finally clicks. That awkward second when she realizes he’s not joking, her voice cracks, then boom, she’s on her knees, those big lips wrapped around a cock that really has no business being that hard at his age. Camera sticks close, proper POV, teeth almost brushing, spit on her chin, mascara slowly starting to lose the fight. You tilt just a little and you get that view all horny cosplayers try and fail to copy in hotel rooms: Lara’s ponytail bouncing while she struggles to deepthroat without gagging too much. She tries to keep that icy personality, rolling her eyes, acting bored, but every time you push her deeper you get that tiny panic sound from her throat that breaks the act. And then he pulls out and blows a thick facial all over that perfect explorer face, cum dripping on her nose and lips, and she looks up, angry and humiliated, then still opens her mouth to swallow the last drops because she “doesn’t want to waste it”. Zero logic, 100% porn logic, which is the good kind.

Later, when you finally bend her over, the manor suddenly feels very small. The short shorts come down way too slowly, like the game wants you to really memorize that ass. Doggystyle with Lara was basically half of DeviantArt for a decade, so seeing it here with actual thrust control, watching her back arch every time you slam her pussy, almost feels like some weird prophecy was fulfilled. The switch from pussy to anal happens with almost no prep, which in real life would send her to the hospital, but here she just gives this pissed off growl and then tightens around him like she’s trying to crush his dick. You get this rhythm going, slapping sound echoing off the stone, her tits swinging under her, and every few seconds she jerks her head back to scream and the ponytail whips across her sweaty shoulders. There’s this one moment that sold me: you’re pounding her ass, she’s a mess, tears at the corner of her eyes, and she still tries to spit an insult at Jeeves, calling him “the help”, and he just answers by grabbing her hips and blowing a creampie deep inside, then holding her there so it all stays in. She shakes, whimpers, you watch it leak when he finally pulls out, then he smears the mess along her slit with this slow, evil satisfaction. The only thing that annoyed me is the way her moans sometimes loop like a broken TikTok audio, pulls you out of the fantasy for a second, but then she looks back over her shoulder, cheeks flushed, cum on her lips from when you made her clean your cock with her mouth after, and you kinda forget you wanted to complain.

Lara shows up on screen with that familiar “yeah, I’ve raided way worse than your browser history” attitude, and the whole thing is basically: dress her up, mess her up, repeat. It’s almost funny how small the game is, but my brain instantly went, “oh, this is like if someone took all the horny energy of old Tomb Raider fanfic from fanfiction.net, stripped out the fake plot, and left only the part people actually scrolled for.” You start flicking through outfits, tops, panties, stockings, that kind of thing, and it’s not super deep, but somehow it hits that exact teenage fantasy of “what if Lara Croft paused looting ruins and just let me decide what she wears while she bends over and waits.” She’s a brunette, of course, with those ridiculous big boobs that look like they belong to a different gravity system than the rest of the game, and the camera is basically a worship tool for her ass. There is zero pretense here. No puzzles, no clever stuff. Just “pick clothes, grab cock, put cock on Lara, watch what happens.” In a way it feels more honest than half of Steam’s adult RPGs pretending they’re about “morality systems”.

The dressup part is where I stayed longer than I want to admit. You flick between outfits like you’re in some horny Instagram filter app, except instead of chasing likes you’re chasing the exact combo of stockings + panties that makes your brain go “yes, that, ruin her like that.” At one point I spent way too much time trying to decide if stockings with no panties is hotter than stockings with those tiny panties that look like they’re there just to be pushed aside. It’s stupid, but that tiny choice feels like authorship, like when you’re reading erotica and the writer chooses one adjective that suddenly makes the entire scene sharper. This game does that with fabric. You click, she changes, and your mind fills in the missing narrative. You kinda start inventing your own scenario: she just came back from a tomb covered in dust, or she’s pretending to be your “reward”, or she lost a bet, whatever. The game doesn’t care. It gives you her body and a cock you literally drag over her until you line it up with her from behind. No foreplay, no romance, she just takes it like this was her actual quest objective.

Sex itself is very “ok, you got what you came for, now shut up and jerk.” You grab the cock with the mouse, place it on her, and suddenly it’s this crude but effective little loop of her being pounded from behind and you trying to aim where you want to finish. It’s like the old Flash era where interactivity was basically “click to fuck”, just slightly cleaner. There’s something funny in how you move the cock around her body before sticking it in, like you’re sketching your own cumshot composition. Do you smear her thighs, paint her ass cheeks, cover her back, all over her hair, or just blast straight on her big tits? And yes, the dev clearly knows that people who grew up with Lara in polygon hell want to see her bent over, back arched, that ass full screen. It’s not subtle. But the weird thing is: for a game that simple, your brain still starts connecting it to other horny media. It reminded me of all those old “Lara Croft XXX” comics where she ends up tied to some altar and used like a ritual offering, except here there’s no story, no altar, only your cursor and her body waiting. I kind of loved that brutal simplicity, then got bored, then came back again later “just to test another outfit” and ended up dragging that stupid cock across her skin one more time.