You ever start a game thinking it’s just another parody and then suddenly you’re watching Delia Ketchum bend over a lab table like she’s about to teach anatomy class the hard way? Yeah, that’s this one. It starts all innocent - Pallet Town, sunshine, that “I overslept again” energy - and then, bam, you’re in Professor Oak’s lab snooping through his stuff and learning he’s been researching... let’s just say “human-pokemon compatibility” in a way no academic journal would publish. The tone flips faster than a Tinder match gone wrong. One second you’re pretending to care about rare species, next second you’re covered in way more than curiosity.

Delia, though - holy hell. They made her look like the definition of “MILF who knows exactly what she’s doing.” She’s got that soft mom energy but says things that would make even Team Rocket blush. The scenes with her feel weirdly personal, like the game’s reading your dirty thoughts out loud. There’s a part where she leans in too close, her voice dripping honey and sin, and you just *know* this isn’t about Pokémon anymore. The writing’s cheeky as hell, half jokes, half filthy confessions, and somehow it works. You’ll laugh, you’ll groan, you’ll maybe question your childhood a little.

The pacing’s messy in that good kind of way - it doesn’t care about logic, just about pushing you deeper into its horny fever dream. You might roll your eyes at the story, but then the next scene hits and suddenly you’re invested in seeing how far the “research” goes. Controls? Who even cares, you’ll figure ‘em out with one hand anyway. It’s trashy, it’s fun, and it’s got that nostalgic kick twisted into something you definitely can’t talk about in polite company. Kind of like if Pokémon grew up, got divorced, and started posting thirst traps at 2 a.m. on Twitter.

Con-Quest is one of those horny little browser things that looks kind of silly at first, then three minutes later you’re way too invested in whether some half-naked Pikachu cosplayer is going to stomp you or blow you a kiss. It plays like an RPG that forgot to be serious, which is good, but if you care about accessibility like I do, it also kinda forgot blind and low-vision players exist. The whole game is just walls of small bright text on bright backgrounds, no text size slider, no contrast options, no colorblind presets, nothing. I tried zooming in with Chrome and Firefox, had to keep dragging the screen around like some weird porn spreadsheet. And yeah, I know, you came here to jerk off, not to read a UI audit, but still. When Vanilla storms around the convention hunting the money thief, you get these fun, snappy lines, but if you have any reading difficulty or ADHD it turns into “click, click, where was I again.” They sped up the text speed which sounds good, until your eyes are slower than the horny dialogue and you’re chasing every line like it is Snapchat. At least the animated portraits are nice and expressive, Ivy’s smug grin is perfect when she’s basically edging you with teasing comments, but they don’t help when you can’t tell which character is speaking because the name text is tiny and there is zero voice indication.

The lewd part is funny and stupid in a good way. You’re running around this con full of cosplayers who clearly did not come for child friendly content. There’s a Meowth girl who basically flirts by bullying you, dressed in ears, tail, tight little outfit that clings like latex, and the “reward” is you humiliating her through battle and then getting this multi-stage animated scene where she goes from cocky to absolutely ruined for you. It is not subtle. Pokemon parody everywhere, bootleg mons jokes, sexy Flygon girl pinned into this “oops I fell on you” pose, Mia and Nia doing this twin act that feels like it wants to be wholesome and still ends up about you undressing them with stickers. The sticker book is basically your porn gallery, of course, but cycling characters with keyboard or screen reader? Forget it. I tried NVDA and JAWS out of habit, they both just saw a pile of unlabeled buttons and decorative images. No alt text, no focus order that makes sense, just “button, button, button” so if you play by ear it is like trying to masturbate while somebody reads you the settings menu of Microsoft Word. The new second floor is fun to explore, the whole “Vanilla might have this thief killed” plot gives her a mean streak that is kinda hot, kinda scary, but if you’re sensitive to flicker or fast motion, the quick sliding portraits in dialogue and sudden UI shifts can be a bit much and there is no toggle. Funny thing is, they clearly know how to tweak code, optimize performance, hook up animated rewards, tease you with topless alt portraits, but a simple “bigger font” button or high-contrast mode is still missing. I keep grumbling about that while also chasing every new horny cosplayer quest like a dog with a bone, which probably says more about me than about the game.

This thing feels like some horny fan with a cheap mic and too much free time decided to punish Dawn in the woods and accidentally hit something really hot in the sound. Visually it’s pretty simple, just that familiar blue-haired trainer getting wrecked after losing, but the audio is where my brain parked. The way her breath changes from that angry, “tch, I lost” kind of huff to those shaky little gasps when he pushes her down is what sold it for me. You hear leaves crunching under her knees, a little fabric rustle when he yanks her skirt up, that faint squeak like his belt buckle or zipper fighting him for a second. It’s not super clean, you can hear a bit of noise, but that’s exactly what makes it feel like a nasty forest sextape and not some sterile studio thing.

The doggystyle sequence is stupidly focused on rhythm. Whoever handled the loops really paid attention to how sex actually sounds when you’re panting and trying not to moan too loud. There’s this great moment where he starts slow and you hear that wet slide plus her trying to hold her voice, just these tiny whiny noises in her throat. Then he starts pounding and the slap sounds actually change, sharper when he hits hard, more muffled when his hips sink in deeper. Her moans go from annoyed and unwilling to that fucked-out, “I hate this but also I don’t” kind of tone that hentai always goes for. Sometimes it even clips a little, the volume peaks for half a second, and weirdly that makes it hotter because it feels like whoever recorded this didn’t care about perfection, they just cranked the gain so we could hear every filthy sound.

There’s also this guy in the background with a camera, and you can hear him just slightly, breathing and shifting, sometimes the soft click of the device like he’s zooming or adjusting. It’s not in your face, but if you’re the kind of pervert who replays the same five seconds like I did, you catch it. I wish they did more with the forest vibe though. There are faint bird sounds early on, then they kind of forget about the environment and it turns into almost a studio audio track. Missed chance. Imagine some distant Pidgey scream right when he shoots his load inside her, that would have been hilarious. Speaking of, the cumshot has that sticky finish sound, like one thick splurt then a few smaller ones, and her voice flips to this breathless whimper, half humiliation, half relief. It’s short, yeah, and it loops in a pretty crude way that made me open another tab to distract myself from the janky restart, but if you’ve got decent headphones and you’re into Dawn getting taken from behind like a broke little loser who paid her battle debt with her ass, there’s enough dirty detail in the soundscape to keep you rewinding the good parts and pretending you’re the bastard holding that camera.

This thing is like somebody mashed up a horny Pokémon convention, a cheap RPG maker project, and a bad joke from a Discord server, then somehow it actually… works. You wake up in this anime-ass geek convention where every “monster” you fight is actually a girl in cosplay, and half the gameplay is basically you trying to get them undressed without getting your ass kicked in turn-based combat. It’s all classic RPG structure, but instead of grinding slimes, you’re chasing a Jolteon girl in a maid outfit who stuns you by shaking her tits at you. The whole loop is simple: walk around the con map, poke suspicious stuff like tall grass and weird corners, trigger encounters, win the fight, fill your little sticker collection and Cosplayer Compendium with more “reward” images and tear states. It sounds boring when I say it like that, but when you actually sit there trying to min-max your skills just to see the next torn costume version of Gardevoir maid, suddenly it feels like Excel with boobs. Which is kind of my dream job, to be honest, but also not at all.

What hits me most is how it leans into parody without getting pretentious. This is not high art, it knows it, and that’s why it’s funny. The jokes are very “Newgrounds 2012” energy: characters talking shit, dumb puns, meta comments when you lose. At one point I picked the wrong dialog option on a date with Ivy in the cafe, and instead of the usual “bad end”, she just drags you into this awkward, horny small talk that feels exactly like a failed Tinder meetup, except she’s in costume and you’re basically trying to unlock her beach CG. The Maid Cafe is the real star though. It’s like a data dashboard of fetishes: you walk in, and your brain starts building mental pie charts of “cat ears”, “thigh-highs”, “bare shoulders with the fabric barely holding”. Half of the cast is parody of Pokémon girls and Eeveelution cosplayers, and the other half is “what if a normal con girl just went way too hard on the roleplay and now you have to fight her bra off”. Battle mechanics are basic but they sneak in some neat little choices. There’s this moment where you see a shiny-like encounter in the tall grass, and you’re sitting there rubbing the mouse over it like some degenerate, hoping it triggers a rare girl instead of the same basic cosplayer with one less button done up. When it works you feel like a genius. When it fails you just feel like a guy rubbing a virtual bush for hentai.

I like how horny it is without trying to be classy. Clothes rip in stages during battles, you see the same pose evolve from “fully dressed and mad at you” to “tits out, mascara slightly smudged, still talking trash”. The gallery in the Compendium shows you every combat pose and every tear level once you’ve earned them, which scratches the completionist itch way too hard. It actually made me replay some areas just to fill in missing girls on the map, like I was doing some wholesome Pokédex run, except instead of “seen / caught” it’s “seen / stripped”. At the same time, the pacing can be a bit of a mess. Sometimes you walk around forever with nothing happening, then suddenly three lewd encounters and a date event fire one after another, like the RNG is drunk. I ended up alt-tabbing between this and checking charts in Google Sheets, which is pretty funny, since my brain kept trying to calculate “cosplayer per room” density like I was modeling user retention. Also, I have to complain about one stupid tiny thing: the way some dialog lines scroll and then stop half a pixel off-center makes my eye twitch every time. Completely ruined my immersion in the important scientific activity of chasing half-naked Gardevoir maid around a cafe. Still went back for her anyway. Obviously.