Garth is that kind of idiot hero I secretly like. He swings a sword like it’s his first day holding anything sharp, gets distracted by every pair of tits bigger than his helmet, and somehow still ends up being the “chosen one” who has to punch a Lich King in the face. The game throws you into Gronia and just kinda shrugs like: “Yeah, figure it out.” No hand holding, no “go here, do that” on a perfect path. You wander, get lost, hit a random cave thinking it’s a shortcut, and suddenly you’re watching a milf mage push her boobs together around the MC’s cock while making those stupid ahegao faces that somehow work here. One moment you’re picking a turn in combat like a normal RPG, next moment you’re choosing whether to dump a load in her pussy or paint her stomach because your weak willpower stat got bullied by cleavage.

The funny thing is, the whole thing feels a bit janky and that actually helps. Combat is turn based, sure, but the real fight is you trying not to click “romance” every single time instead of “attack.” I spent way too long grinding goblins just to afford some dumb enchanted necklace to impress a barmaid with huge tits, just so I could unlock a scene where she rides Garth so hard the bed squeaks in the text. And yeah, that creampie is described in detail, like “warmth spilling out” and all that, the whole erotic novel treatment. Then right after that, the game just throws a stupid joke about sticky sheets at you like it’s nothing. The humor is actually good, not that forced Reddit stuff. Sometimes the timing is off and a serious moment gets undercut by a horny gag, but honestly, in a world where your main plot is “kill the Lich King while fucking half the population,” it fits. Also, tiny rant: the map icon in the top corner is ugly as hell, and I kept clicking it by accident when I just wanted to skip text, and now I hate that thing with passion and I’m not over it.

The slow-burn romance bits surprised me the most. There’s this older healer woman in one village, proper milf energy, and you don’t just get her naked in two lines. You help with some boring chores, small quests, listen to her talk about the past. At first I was annoyed, like “okay lady, shut up and bend over the table,” but then when the scene finally hits, it hits. She pulls Garth into her room, drops the robe, huge soft breasts bouncing, gets on her knees and gives him a titfuck while whispering how she hasn’t felt a young cock in years. That build-up made the creampie inside her feel earned, not just a random porn gif. And because of the sandbox style, you can totally miss stuff or screw a dialogue choice and lock yourself out of an ending. I stumbled into one “bad” route where the girl I was chasing ended up with somebody else, and the game just went “yeah, tough luck, try another path” instead of rewinding. Pissed me off, but in a good way, like a VN that respects you enough not to babysit. My advice if you jump in: don’t rush from sex scene to sex scene like it’s Pornhub. Wander around, talk to NPCs you’d normally ignore, lose a couple fights in combat just to see what happens, and actually read those flirty lines before you click the option that leads to your dick. That’s when Gronia starts feeling less like a quick wank and more like a horny fantasy world you kinda want to stay in.

Three words first: horny, awkward, fun.

The game feels like someone mashed together a dating sim, a quarantine sharehouse and those trashy hentai manhwas you read on the toilet, then said “ok, now make it about pickup lines and see how long the guy can pretend he’s faithful.” You play this dude stuck with a bunch of hot girls who all know exactly what they’re doing with their bodies, while he’s trying so hard to act like some “good boyfriend” scientist, like he’s doing research on female pleasure instead of just staring at their tits. The whole thing is basically one long speed-dating session where you never leave the table, except the table has a big ass milf leaning over it and a bratty school girl pressing her thigh against your leg while she laughs at your shitty flirty lines. The pickup system is where it’s funniest and most frustrating. Sometimes one dumb line like “your laugh is cute” suddenly turns into her grabbing your wrist, placing your hand on her thigh and whispering in your ear while you’re hard and sweating. Other times you try to be smooth, stack teasing options, and she just looks at you like you’re a pervert who can’t even spell “consent”, then still ends up jerking you off five clicks later after some fake moral struggle. It reminds me of using Tinder then accidentally opening Hinge on horny mode.

There’s a lot of sandbox wandering where you’re just checking rooms, poking your nose where it doesn’t belong, “observing” them like some half-assed psychologist. You talk about relationships, then suddenly her cleavage is right in your face, animated and jiggly, and the voice acting goes from casual to this breathy “do you like that?” that sounds way too real for a mobile game. One moment you’re in a school-ish setting, pretending to learn how to “communicate better with women”, next moment she’s on her knees, drool on your shaft, giving this sloppy oral that makes you forget which dialogue choice even got you here. There’s titfucks that feel like a reward for picking the more playful options, and if you push a bit further and pick the more dominant answers, some scenes flip on you and the girl starts controlling everything, pinning you down, hand around your dick, strokes just slow enough to drive you insane while she talks about her boyfriend like you’re just a practice toy. The anal and more rough stuff doesn’t explode in your face right away, it creeps in through dirty jokes and “accidental” touches, and when it finally happens the game kind of shrugs like “yeah, you knew this was coming.” Speaking of coming, masturbation scenes feel personal, like when you fail a pickup line and the MC ends alone, jerking off on his phone while remembering how her ass looked pressed against his crotch earlier, with her voice echoing in his head. That part hit a bit too close to my Pornhub history, not gonna lie. There are a few moments where the pacing dies, you’re stuck clicking through teasing without payoff, like you’re in an endless edging loop designed by a sadist, and there’s one notification sound that kept popping up on my phone and I hated it, never turned it off, no idea why. Still, when a milf with big tits, soft voice and that smug “I know you’re hard” grin orders you to sit, unzip and let her “teach” you how to please a woman with your hands while she rides your fingers and strokes you at the same time, all that slow grind suddenly makes sense, then stops making sense again right after you cum and start overthinking your next line.

Tali is absolutely not the shy little quarian tech nerd people remember from the original games. Here she’s more like the center of a very rude quiz show where every question is “How far are you willing to go this time?” and the answer keeps getting filthier. The story picks up after she escapes this messed up ghost ship, and instead of going back to anything safe, she ends up bouncing around space with a bunch of “friends” who have very specific ideas about what to do with her suit, her body, and her obedience. One moment you’re in a legit combat scene, trying to manage shields and positioning, and the next moment losing a fight means Tali is on her knees, visor fogged, being used like a trophy by whatever monster just wrecked you. And yeah, the camera really loves her ass. Whoever built those shots deserves an award. Maybe “Excessive Focus On Tali’s Butt” gold medal.

The game kind of feels like a horny Mass Effect quiz where every choice is secretly: a) blowjob, b) anal, c) corruption, d) all of the above. You run around in this sandbox structure, poke different parts of the ship or station, and suddenly you’re in some awkward scene with Liara teasing her while EDI throws dry comments in the background like she’s hosting a porn podcast. One of my favorite dumb moments: I was half-tabbing out to check Discord, left a teasing scene running with Tali “practicing” oral on some alien cock, came back and she had switched positions and was riding instead because I let the idle animation chain continue. No tooltip, no pop up, just “you ignored the scene, now she’s even more corrupted, congrats.” It’s janky in spots, the animations sometimes loop too obviously, and Kasumi just kind of appears, steals the spotlight with a handjob scene, then vanishes again like a horny ninja. Never explained properly, and the game just shrugs and moves on.

What’s nice is how it leans fully into parody without being shy about anything. Miranda’s big tits are used exactly how you think, Ashley is still an uptight soldier but now her idea of discipline is getting Tali to “follow orders” with vaginal and anal rewards, and somewhere in the middle Shepard is there, but half of the time feels like a side character in his own porn. The corruption aspect creeps up on you in a stupidly fun way: early Tali is awkward, blushing, touching herself alone in a quiet room, just masturbation and a bit of teasing. A few bad fights lost, some “training” with Shiala and Samara, one very wrong encounter with a slime-like monster, and suddenly she’s the one grabbing cocks first, begging for more, suit open in places you’re pretty sure are not Alliance regulation. It’s dirty, it’s uneven, it repeats a couple of angles too much, and the UI sometimes hides a choice you swear should be there. But when she bends over in zero-g and the whole scene turns into this slow, weightless anal fuck with her gasping inside the helmet, you kind of forget what you were annoyed about. Or what you were doing before the scene started. Or why Jira is still open in another tab.

You’re flipping burgers in some sad McDonald’s, trying not to think about your life choices, and suddenly the world just glitches. Instead of the fryer you’re staring at Voldemort’s noseless mug while still smelling like burned oil. He basically speedruns the job interview: no contract, no payroll, just “congrats, you’re a Hogwarts professor now, go corrupt Hermione or die.” That’s the vibe. One second you’re asking “with or without pickles,” next second you’re being told to turn the golden girl of Hogwarts into a filthy bad witch who’d probably hex your dick off and then step on it in heels. And it somehow works. The game just tosses you into Hogwarts like you slipped in through a fanfic side door, but now you’ve got powers and authority and absolutely no HR department watching you. You walk around this parody Hogwarts, talk shit, try not to piss off the Dark Lord, and slowly poke at Hermione’s “perfect girl” shell until it cracks and she starts looking at you like homework she wants to do on her knees.

Hermione here is not the shy bookworm people pretend she is. She starts strict, naggy, all “rules, rules, rules,” but you can see the dev really enjoys turning her into a problem. Clothes get shorter, poses get bolder, she starts throwing those “this is wrong” lines while obviously loving every second. It’s that slow corruption style where your choices and little events stack up. You tease her in class, you nudge her into “practical lessons,” you catch her after hours when the halls are empty and the only magic that matters is making her legs shake. Some of the scenes get wild, especially once she starts using magic while you’re already inside her. Stuff floats, lights flicker, she struggles between being the good little prefect and the girl whose tits are basically falling out of her uniform. And yeah, they made sure she is… very stacked. Ass too. This is the type of Hermione who could smother the entire Gryffindor common room just by sitting down. There’s one moment where she’s bent over a desk “studying” and honestly you forget there’s a world outside the screen. Then suddenly Voldemort checks in and you remember you’re technically supposed to be doing evil, not just horny.

Side note, Bellatrix here completely steals scenes she’s in. She shows up as your twisted assistant, like some goth HR rep from hell whose only job is helping you ruin Hermione while laughing in your face. Half the time she’s mocking you, half the time she’s lowkey ready to ride you till your spine folds, and you never fully know which one you’re getting. She offers “advice” that might help you or might screw your mission and it’s kinda funny how you still click it like an idiot. There’s this bit where she’s explaining how to break Hermione’s resistance and she’s doing it while basically pressing her huge tits into you, like girl, how am I supposed to listen to your evil lecture when your cleavage looks like a death trap I want to fall into. And then the game just casually throws Arcueid in there like it’s the most normal crossover in the world. McDonald’s wage slave turned Hogwarts professor trying to corrupt Hermione with Bellatrix coaching him, and suddenly the blonde chaos vampire girl pops up in this Harry Potter parody like “sup, I’m here now.” It’s stupid, but in the fun way, like a meme that went on too long and became art by accident. The whole thing feels a bit scuffed, a bit random, a lot horny, and somehow that mix of big tits, big asses, magic tricks and dark humor just keeps your hand on the mouse when you said you’d close it after “one more scene.”