Vault Wanderer is one of those horny little parody projects that feels like it started as a shitpost between friends on Discord and somehow became an actual game. You play this guy who crawls out of a comfy underground vault into a wasteland that is less about radiation and more about who is fucking who, and with what. The whole thing mixes classic turn based RPG combat with stupid jokes and very explicit scenes that just kind of slam into you out of nowhere. One second you are clicking through some goofy dialogue about bottle caps, the next you are watching a futa raider get her dick sucked in a surprisingly long animated loop while your character pretends he is not into it. The game loves voyeurism like crazy. Almost every location has some “oops I walked in on them” moment, except it is never really an accident and everybody is cool with you standing in the corner jerking off. Or pretending to “research.” The writing knows exactly what it is doing: it makes fun of the wasteland clichés, then uses the same clichés to justify a harem route where every big tits, big ass, wrong-race-for-this-town waifu somehow ends up in your camp.

What surprised me most is how messy but confident the sandbox structure is. You are just dropped on the surface with this point and click map and told to explore, and the game absolutely does not care if you go straight to a lesbian futa bar and stall your “main quest” for two hours doing nothing except footjobs and blowjobs in different outfits. There is real RPG stuff happening in the background: stats, turn based fights, random encounters that sometimes end in actual combat and sometimes turn straight into oral sex scenes if you pick the horny dialogue option. I lost one fight because I was too distracted watching the enemy’s boobs bounce in the attack animation, which is a stupid reason to reload, but here we are. The art is simple 2D CG but the animations have just enough motion to make the scenes feel alive without turning into weird rubber people. Some of the interracial setups are actually hot, then the game drops a joke so bad it short circuits the mood and you kind of hate it for ten seconds, until the next harem scene where three girls are roleplaying “capturing” you and you forget you were mad. The mobile support is oddly good too; I tried it on my phone while half-slouching on the couch with Chrome open and it ran smoother than some serious games on Steam. Sometimes the text spacing gets fucked on smaller screens and nobody bothered to fix it, which annoyed me for like a full minute while I was trying to read a masturbation scene and the last line wrapped in a stupid way, and then I clicked next and forgot. That is basically the whole vibe here: horny, rough around edges, a little broken, but when the wasteland mommy with huge boobs kneels down for oral and the camera zooms in just right, your brain stops caring about polish completely.

You start as this so-called last DragonDong in Skyradia, which sounds dumb at first, but it grows on you, kind of like when you first opened Skyrim and spent 40 minutes just trying to make a hot character and ended up with something cursed. Here you’re already special, already packing, and everyone in this crazy fantasy land somehow knows your bloodline is legendary and your dick is basically a relic. The world feels like some horny version of a big fantasy RPG, where one moment you’re in a mossy ruin scrapping with bandits, and two clicks later you’ve got some proud warrior girl on her knees in a torch-lit hallway, drool on her chin, looking up at you from that nice POV angle like this is her favorite religion. It sounds like bullshit story at first, all “save the bloodline” and “mysterious vanished kin,” but when the game lets you actually choose if you play as a kind of romantic dumbass or total slutty menace, it hits different. One play I tried to be sweet, saying the right things, building affection, letting the scenes come slower. Another time I just picked every horny option, stuck my dick wherever the dialog allowed, and the game still rolled with it.

What I liked is that it doesn’t just throw sex at you for nothing, it makes you work a bit. You’ve got combat that actually matters for how you move through the map. Sometimes you gamble on your skills, sometimes you let the party do the work while you just pretend to be tactical. I had this one fight where my health was low, I screwed up some timing mini game, barely survived, then got rewarded later with a campfire scene where the healer chick, who had been super cold before, finally cracked and let me take her virgin pussy slow. The camera sticks close, like proper POV, her breathing changes between lines, and there’s this moment when she bites her lip and grabs your wrist to pull you deeper and the game lets you decide if you go gentle or just pound her into the bedroll. Went gentle first time, went full animal the second. Both scenes hit in different way. Same girl, whole different vibe just because of choices before. That kind of thing made the romance feel like more than “click gift, get sex.”

Not everything is perfect. Some transitions between adventure parts and sex feel like someone cut a YouTube video too fast. One second it’s “we must hurry, the world is in danger” and three dialog boxes later your cock is in her mouth by a waterfall and nobody cares about demons anymore. I’m not complaining, but it’s funny. Also, sometimes the game pretends you’re the noble hero, then gives you this option that is pure degenerate, like “comfort her” sitting right next to “shove your cock between her tits while she cries.” I told myself I’d take the wholesome path, clicked the worst one, didn’t even feel bad. The mix of exploration, flirting, combat, then suddenly being balls deep in some fantasy girl who moans your title like it’s a spell, that’s the charm here. If you play this, my only weird advice is: don’t rush every scene. Tease the game a bit. Sometimes refusing the obvious blowjob first and going with soft romance opens something filthier later, like when the shy mage suddenly asks to taste your cum after a hard fight instead of you pushing for it. Let the world breathe, lose a fight or two, say the wrong thing, reload only when you really hate an outcome. Stretch it. You’ll squeeze more out of every dirty moment that way.

Reborn in this world, you don’t start as some overpowered hentai demigod. You start small, weak, awkward, staring at stat screens like a horny nerd who suddenly woke up inside the fantasy game he used to jerk off to. It feels weirdly familiar, all those windows and numbers and skills, like someone mashed together an isekai anime, Pornhub tags, and a DnD character sheet, then said “yeah, now suffer for it.” The beginning actually made me laugh, in that “oh shit, that would be me” way, watching this guy (or futa, if you go that road) try to figure out how to use magic and how not to die on the first dungeon floor while getting distracted by every pair of tits in a ten-meter radius.

The mood swings a lot. One moment you’re counting turns in combat, trying to squeeze out that last spell with barely any mana, the next you’re getting pinned against a wall by some smug monster girl with too many curves and way too much confidence. The harem thing doesn’t just fall in your lap, you kind of earn it through quests, choices, and that slightly evil curiosity that makes you pick the option you probably shouldn’t. There is this early dungeon where you walk in thinking “ok, grind a bit, gain some XP” and end up bargaining with a horny plant girl that really, really wants to see what you can do from behind. Strategy suddenly becomes “how many skills can I use before I’m literally drained in every sense.” And I liked that the futa angle is there like a temptation, not shoved down your throat unless you ask for it. You can stay vanilla cock, or you can wake up with something extra between your legs and a whole new way to ruin NPCs. Choice hits different when it’s about what kind of dick you swing.

What surprised me most is how often I forgot I was playing a porn game and not some half-janky, half-charming RPG on itch.io. The humor lands more often than it should, with those little comments about EXP farming, hentai logic, and how nobody in fantasy worlds knows what a condom is. Sometimes the text rambles, sometimes the pacing trips, like the dev got lost in their own horny brain and just went “fuck it, more dialogue, more teasing,” and I kinda love that. There is one scene in particular, in a deeper dungeon level, where you’re low on health, you win a fight by like one lucky hit, and instead of a normal reward you get this cocky demon girl asking if the hero who nearly died wants to “use her body as a potion.” It’s porn logic, but the teasing before the actual sex is long enough you start clicking faster, half annoyed, half turned on, like a degenerate trying to skip ads on xHamster. The AI CG sometimes looks a bit off, a hand here, a weird strand of hair there, and it annoyed me way more than it should. I stared at that one broken finger in a blowjob scene far too long, and it lives in my head rent free now. Still, the mix of turn based combat, dumb jokes, fantasy races throwing themselves at you, anal and vaginal scenes popping up like loot drops, and that feeling of slowly building a harem through stats and bad decisions... I’d honestly give it “Best Use of Bad Life Choices in a Fantasy Harem” and not even say it as a joke. Dare to play it alone, or invite company?

Magic in this game feels like horny office politics with spells instead of emails. You’re this “secret third guy” with real power in a fantasy world where magic is drying up and the rich Great Families are freaking out and trying to own whoever still has it. They want to control your dick and your destiny at the same time. Your old mentor drags you back into their mess, and suddenly you’re surrounded by people who either want to study your Affinity, fuck it, or both. A lot of “both”, honestly. One moment you’re sitting in some fancy manor library pretending to listen to theories about why magic is dying, next moment your lap is full of a horny noble girl with big tits asking if she can “help you focus your energy”. Translation: she’s grinding on you and begging you to take her virginity while still pretending this is research. And it kind of is, because the game keeps treating sex like science and therapy and family drama all smashed together. It shouldn’t work, but it does, and then suddenly there’s a monster girl with claws holding your wrists to the bed and purring that she wants to see how much “human seed” it takes to make a hybrid pregnancy work out. I actually laughed, then I kept clicking, then I completely forgot I was laughing when her tongue hit your balls.

What hit me more than I expected is how many of these characters are kinda broken on the inside while still being absolute sluts on the outside. Like one elf milf who talks like a strict professor, all proper and controlled, then the scene just pivots and she’s kneeling between your legs, glasses slightly crooked, drool on your shaft, whispering she needs to feel “proof you’re real” in her throat. The blowjob is great obviously, but the tiny animation of her fingers digging into your thighs and that tiny ahegao flicker when you finally creampie her mouth, that detail stayed with me way too long. There’s a teasing pacing to the game where sometimes it makes you wait and sometimes it just throws you into a full group scene out of nowhere. One moment you’re having a quiet talk about Affinity theory, the next these ladies are basically arguing over who gets to ride you first while you’re pushed onto some couch like an exhausted porn actor. And I hated how often the camera cut away from the actual penetration to focus on faces or hands, but then in the next scene the exact same choice felt perfect, so I don’t even know what my brain wants anymore. The humor is messy and kinda awkward, like when a serious council meeting keeps getting derailed because one of the monster girls is still sore from the spanking you gave her and can’t sit still. There’s lesbian stuff too, and it isn’t just a “for your gaze” thing, they actually forget about you mid-scene at one point and keep eating each other out while you’re just standing there, pants open, like some extra. Honestly that part felt weirdly real. The whole found-family angle hides under all the titfucks and groping and anal teasing and whatnot, so you go from laughing at a stupid sex toy joke to suddenly being hit with “hey, we’re your home now” right after you’ve painted someone’s womb with a thick creampie. It’s messy, horny, sentimental, and sometimes it talks too much about magic, but when the spanking starts and the moans sync with those little animated thrusts, you’ll forget what the Great Families were even arguing about in the first place.