Con-Quest is one of those horny little browser things that looks kind of silly at first, then three minutes later you’re way too invested in whether some half-naked Pikachu cosplayer is going to stomp you or blow you a kiss. It plays like an RPG that forgot to be serious, which is good, but if you care about accessibility like I do, it also kinda forgot blind and low-vision players exist. The whole game is just walls of small bright text on bright backgrounds, no text size slider, no contrast options, no colorblind presets, nothing. I tried zooming in with Chrome and Firefox, had to keep dragging the screen around like some weird porn spreadsheet. And yeah, I know, you came here to jerk off, not to read a UI audit, but still. When Vanilla storms around the convention hunting the money thief, you get these fun, snappy lines, but if you have any reading difficulty or ADHD it turns into “click, click, where was I again.” They sped up the text speed which sounds good, until your eyes are slower than the horny dialogue and you’re chasing every line like it is Snapchat. At least the animated portraits are nice and expressive, Ivy’s smug grin is perfect when she’s basically edging you with teasing comments, but they don’t help when you can’t tell which character is speaking because the name text is tiny and there is zero voice indication.

The lewd part is funny and stupid in a good way. You’re running around this con full of cosplayers who clearly did not come for child friendly content. There’s a Meowth girl who basically flirts by bullying you, dressed in ears, tail, tight little outfit that clings like latex, and the “reward” is you humiliating her through battle and then getting this multi-stage animated scene where she goes from cocky to absolutely ruined for you. It is not subtle. Pokemon parody everywhere, bootleg mons jokes, sexy Flygon girl pinned into this “oops I fell on you” pose, Mia and Nia doing this twin act that feels like it wants to be wholesome and still ends up about you undressing them with stickers. The sticker book is basically your porn gallery, of course, but cycling characters with keyboard or screen reader? Forget it. I tried NVDA and JAWS out of habit, they both just saw a pile of unlabeled buttons and decorative images. No alt text, no focus order that makes sense, just “button, button, button” so if you play by ear it is like trying to masturbate while somebody reads you the settings menu of Microsoft Word. The new second floor is fun to explore, the whole “Vanilla might have this thief killed” plot gives her a mean streak that is kinda hot, kinda scary, but if you’re sensitive to flicker or fast motion, the quick sliding portraits in dialogue and sudden UI shifts can be a bit much and there is no toggle. Funny thing is, they clearly know how to tweak code, optimize performance, hook up animated rewards, tease you with topless alt portraits, but a simple “bigger font” button or high-contrast mode is still missing. I keep grumbling about that while also chasing every new horny cosplayer quest like a dog with a bone, which probably says more about me than about the game.

This thing feels like somebody took a horny Pokémon fanfic, smashed it into an old-school RPG maker project, and then just never stopped adding weird jokes and half-dressed cosplayers. You’re basically wandering around this goofy anime-style world, bumping into girls who are very clearly “cosplaying” Pokémon, except their outfits look like they were designed by a hentai artist who got bored of subtlety. The nurse one is the funniest mess. She’s supposed to be this shiny Nurse Joy cosplayer, but she’s standing there in this tight pink outfit that looks one size too small, stockings gripping her thighs, boobs pushed so high it’s almost uncomfortable to look at… and the game treats her like prey you “save” by beating the shit out of horny monsters. It keeps winking at you every time you get a new ripped state on her clothes, like: “oh no, look what happened, her top is torn again, what a tragedy.” The camera zooms in when the clothes get shredded more, and it’s so obvious what they’re doing with that, but you still lean in, like a clown. And when her portrait switches to the topless version it just hits that Pokémon-center-but-not-really kink super hard, like yeah, you’re getting treated, but not your HP.

The battles themselves are that weird mix of simple and actually kind of tactical. You’re juggling lightning, grass, fire, trying to abuse those status things. You shock something, then suddenly lightning slaps extra hard, but if you got that healing scissors curse on you, it kinda sucks instead. Fire gets stronger if they’re already on fire, grass loves when the enemy’s got a big HP pool, and then you realize you’re not even paying attention to the health bar anymore because the Umbreon cosplayer pops up and she’s ultra rare and dressed like a goth club pet. Dark stockings, tiny tail, ears that shouldn’t be that sexy, purple lingerie that pretends to be “armor” but no one believes this. You’re sitting there on your phone, Chrome eating battery, with one hand switching spells and the other just kinda hovering because that idle animation is really fucking distracting. Her clothes rip slower, piece by piece, each “state” almost like a different fanart. I actually missed a spell input because I was staring at how her sideboob appears first before the full topless scene. And then the game suddenly decides “you can’t run from this boss now, enjoy” like it knows you won’t, because why would you, you came for this.

The best part is you keep stumbling into these weird little shop scenes after you “save” a girl. You just enter the shop and boom, the Eevee cosplayer is there doing something stupidly cute, like trying to act all brave and failing, ears drooping while she’s half naked and pretending nothing’s wrong. She’s uncommon, so when she shows up you feel weirdly lucky, like when you finally catch an actual shiny after too many encounters. Except now the “shiny” thing is just code for “her outfit is even sluttier than usual and might fall off if she breathes wrong.” The shopkeeper just plays along, dropping one-liners, like they’re aware they trapped a bunch of horny cosplayers inside some cursed Pokémon porn convention. Some of the humor really lands, like the little gag where there is this Patreon input and if you type “friendzonedagain” everything goes back to clothed portraits. It’s such a petty joke, like the dev is roasting you directly for wanting the spicy versions. I hated it, but also I tried it, then instantly regretted it, then refused to admit it to anyone. The music kicks in with this fake Sun & Moon boss vibe and for a second it almost feels like a real intense fight, then you remember you’re basically grinding for better chances at making a nurse lose her top. And the game is absolutely not balanced in the usual sense; sometimes your spells just feel weak, the damage scaling is all over the place, and you don’t even care because the main tension is “will this next rip state finally show nipple or just more torn fabric teasing me like some kind of pervert Pokémon League?”

Con-Quest feels like somebody spilled horny fanart, con smell and old school RPG rules into one messy bowl and then forgot to clean the edges. You start in this convention that already looks like the morning after a hentai signing event, and the whole place is cursed so all the girls in their cute pokemon-ish cosplay are turning into monsters that want to either wreck you or ride you or both. You walk a few steps, boom, there’s a girl in a too-tight Umbreon outfit, face flushed, tits practically falling out, talking like she’s in a shitpost thread while also trying to murder you with turn based attacks that sound like they were balanced at 3 different points in the dev’s life. The vibe is very “this is stupid, I love it, please don’t fix it”. Spells hit harder if somebody is wet or on fire or shocked or whatever, and half the time I was just clicking the same spell again to see if the next rip of the costume leaves more underboob or more thigh. And when the battle zooms in for the next “rip state” of the cosplay, it actually feels like a reward, even though the camera move is very simple, almost clumsy. But that clumsy is kind of hot here. The art is the star, and it knows it: every girl looks like she got lost between DeviantArt, Newgrounds and some dead Tumblr porn blog in the best way, with bright colors, round soft bodies and those expressions that are like 60% horny, 40% “how did I end up tied up in this hallway”.

Cutscenes are where my animation brain goes “ok, you guys are filthy, but you actually care”. They’re not smooth movie-level scenes, they’re more like short, looping moments that hold just long enough for the joke or the tit flash to land. The Eevee animation having two parts is such a tiny thing, but it changes the whole flow: first you get the tease, then there’s a more explicit follow-up, and the cut is almost rude, like the camera wants to stay longer but someone yanked it away. I like how some shop scenes pop randomly after you rescue new cosplayers; one moment you just want to buy potions, next moment the clerk is leaning over the counter, boobs squished together, doing this awkward flirty banter that sounds like a horny Discord mod trying to be charming. The humor hits that weird sweet spot of being self-aware but not trying too hard. It throws you dumb puns about types and status effects, then you realize the same status effect is also a way to get more clothes off in the next fight, so you start planning your battles like a pervert accountant. The breasts sometimes sit a bit weird on the torso in certain angles and there’s one idle loop where the bounce looks like two jelly blobs slightly out of sync, which drove me crazy in a way that absolutely no one else will care about, but I kept noticing it like a stuck pixel. And the camera zoom when clothes tear is so rough it feels hacked in at the last minute, but I caught myself waiting for it every time. That’s the thing with this game: it looks janky in spots, the animations are simple, the dialogue is dumb and horny and then suddenly you get a perfect frame where the cosplayer is blushing, half naked, smirking at you after losing, and it feels more honest and sexy than a lot of “polished” adult games that forgot how to be fun.

Horny Pokémon comedy is kind of a cursed idea already, and this thing leans into it like it lost a bet. You start off thinking “ok, funny parody, some lewd jokes, fine,” then five minutes later you’re arguing with a half-naked cosplayer in a fake court trial while an Umbreon does this slow, smug ass-wiggle in a reward scene that’s way too lovingly animated for something that was probably drawn on a Tuesday night. The whole thing feels like someone mashed a shitpost thread, a cheap casino, and a con artist trainer campaign into one chaotic little adventure. You run around this con-style hub, poking into rooms that look innocent until you notice the posters on the wall are absolutely not PG, and every “NPC” is either trying to flirt with you, scam you, or bait you into some risky bet just to unlock another naughty picture. It’s not classy. It’s not pretending to be classy. It’s more like “hey, remember when you were a kid collecting cards and now your brain is rotten? Good. Have some lewd stickers and half-dressed trainers.”

The cosplayers are the real meat here, if we can call it that. You’ve got this whole thing where some are common, some are rare, and then there’s that ultra rare James cosplayer that the game treats like a shiny legendary with a daddy kink. You bump into them and suddenly you’re in this silly half-serious situation, almost like a mini side quest, and if you manage to “save” them you get a secret reward lurking in the shop later that basically screams “yeah, you worked for this thirst, now enjoy it.” I kinda love that the game is horny but still laughs at itself. There’s this court trial mini game where you’re clicking through dialogue trying to ace the logic while the characters are wearing outfits that would get you banned from most servers, and I swear I missed a key piece of testimony just because I was staring at a cleavage window that looks like it could cut glass. Then you’ve got the casino, tossing coins around just to find some rare book, and the payoff is another slice of erotic nonsense that somehow feels earned, even though you literally just gambled until RNG liked you. I wish the UI didn’t feel like it was found under someone’s bed along with the old doujins, but whatever, it works. The Umbreon animation is honestly too smooth for how janky some of the menus are, which is weirdly charming and also annoying as hell. And the sticker sets? They feel like the devs were just doodling horny fanart during class and then dumped it all into the game, which, to be honest, is exactly the vibe this mess needed.